these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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