I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
