When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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