When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
