doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
