How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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