i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
