Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Randomize
