Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
