what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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