Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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