FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
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