The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
