coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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