He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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