my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I wish I only lived at night.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
These tits shall not be calmed
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
