So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
