the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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