who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Dick very happy bro
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
