I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
