I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
