she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
