Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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