I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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