I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
