time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
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