Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
