Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
