Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
