I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Randomize
