Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
