soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
