We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
don't judge my taste in strippers
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
