We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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