she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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