when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
