they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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