This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
