I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
