I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Randomize
