my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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