pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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