So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I intend to get homeless drunk
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
