census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
