Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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