My underwear smells like fireworks.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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