saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
are you so shy because you have an std?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
