we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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