A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
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