what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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