There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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