He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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